I dont know what it is with me and my neighbours. A retired uncle in my neighbourhood has bought a pup. Well I have nothing against these domestic mammals.. as long as they keep their fucking mouth shut when I sleep after a tiring 12 hour Gurkha shift, that is. Its huely cries for toned milk or an old rubber chappal that it wants to chew is the last thing I want to hear. I can understand barking or a mature growling. The caveman in me would probably relate to it. But what kind of noise is that 20 day old creature making ? Its like dragging a tonne heavy steel block on polished mosaic !! you kow what I mean ??? It f***s my brains. But living in a country were personal space is just 2 millimeters thick, I cant ask for more.
Well the problem was not that. The problem was that the 60 year old moron nieghbor wanted to demonstrate the little canines prowess inside my house. YES... INSIDE !!! I am even choosy about the girls who get into my home... a puppy ??? So there he was on a louasy weekday morning with this wiggly thingy let loose and he was telling me how much this puppy has changed his perception of life (What about the three kids he manufactured ?? Obviously they have dumped him so that he can squeeze the little life out of my already aching balls).. You guys sense that am angry right ? ? ? Right from the word go, that is ? ?? I am.. I will tell you why. Right after the little thingy entered my house, the old moron decided to let it loose. The little thing started sniffing around my entire house.. from my TV rack to shoes to newspapers to cigarette packs to old clothes vessels to candles... this creature just wouldnt leave anything.
"Uncle. may be you should tie him up", the polite me.
"No.. he will be alright" the stupid neighbour
(I am not you mothafu***)
"Looks like he is tired may be you should take him home and feed him" (Fuck off my life now oldie)
"You seem to love dogs, my boy, may be you should have one" (I wont go before I screw your day further)
"Sure !! "(Yeah right, as if I dont have enough bitches in my life already)
By now the fucking creature walks to the centre of the room looks at me and the exoression read "FUCK YOU ! TAKE THIS !!" and started peeing gallons of stinky urine as I was watching it helplessly. for a moment, I morphed into a fiery Van Nistelrooy and kicked that fucking creature out of my room and then the stupid old man as well.. But then I was in utter disbelief.. not at the pup peeing but at the old man saying "looks like he loves you".. YEAH RIGHT !!! WTF was that supposed to mean ??? Well it wasnt over yet... The creature squat its legs like a twisted paper clip and dumped two big loads of crap.. right there in my hall...
"haa haaa.. went the old man" He hadnt crapped since yesterday afternoon you know ??"
("Yeah so why could have you stick your finger up and helped it crap yesterday you jobless moron")
"Oh I see.." the poor me. "Well this is why I would not have a dog in my house" point made.
The old man went out of the house to find a maid who can clean my floor. Fifteen minutes past and then came an old lady, with a soul scorching smile and a cold attitude about having to clean dog shit in a strange room. She was as good as a government servant. Dump and pee gone.. a stink that would put ammonia to shame remained.
It was a 2 hour old work after that to retain some modesty in my own hoome. So much for pups.
OK now the point : I have decided to slap some revenge. Come this weekend and the old man is to find a pretty cover full of my weekend poo poo in his bedroom. I know it sounds nasty but am fuming here. I am ruthless. At least am not blowing them up with a timer as the current fashion is. I am experienced, ask one of my neighbours who abused me in public for playing loud music. Ask him what he found on his car seat the next day morning. SHIT happens !!!
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2 comments:
OH…hierophant feculence patriarch…. May thou be triumphant in thy quest…..
Lol!!!
Factoid: Did you know that chocolate gets dogs sick? really sick? Itchy, Mangy kinda sick? Bet thats what you need right now.
"pretty cover full of my weekend poo poo"
LMFAO!!
"sk him what he found on his car seat the next day morning."
How the hell did ya manage to get to his car seat? You are one mean SOB! I love it! :)
Classic nightmare! But I certainly understand your feelings. I have a neighbour - the lady who lives on the floor above, our bedroom windows are too close for comfort. This femme fatale has perfected the art of shrieking at her child. Yes! Not shouting, screaming or abusing! Shrieking. Very similar to the soul-less wails of a pig being beheaded! Perhaps even worse. Sometimes its so long drawn that I wake up with a start and sit staring blankly.. Sometimes the shrieks are short, as if cut in mid performance - I'm sure thats when she hits super high frequencies!
Bless our poor souls. Us workers of the night, nocturnal professionals, day-dreamers and night-walkers! We need some sleep!
Lets toast to peaceful days, ass-hole-less dogs, dead neighbours and soundproof walls! :)
Do keep us posted on how things go dude! lol.. A pic would be much appreciated - Not of your poop. But the look on his face when he gets the package.. I bet your camera has good zoom.....
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